The Lie of Self-Improvement

Hello. My name is Lucy, and I have a flair for the dramatic.

Every couple of {days} weeks, I come to the conclusion that I am not good enough. I am not a good enough Wife. I am not a good enough Mother. I am not a good enough housekeeper. I am not a good enough person. This, of course, comes as a huge blow and sends me into a myriad of prayers and plans, and most importantly - self-improvement. If I am lucky, I manage to scrape out a better existence for a little while before I start the cycle all over again.

It finally occurred to me that, apart from being insane, my plan of attack was just not working, and I think I've figured out why. Because it has been my plan. My self-improvement. My fundamental error is assuming that there is anything I can do in my own power to make myself a "better person."

It is comforting to know I am not alone in this struggle. The Apostle Paul apparently felt the same way,

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do....

For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have a desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is the sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to {sin and} death?

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"      Romans 7:15-25a

Okay, so it's quite a mouthful, but I love this so human moment that Paul shares with us. He's practically frantic! What I want to do I don't do but what I don't want to do I keep on doing! I know the feeling Paul.

But Paul is a step ahead, because he's got the answer. Who will save me? Jesus. Paul knows what I seem to be learning rather slowly, that he is incapable of doing the good he wants to do, in and of himself. Only Jesus can do that good through him.

See, wanting to be better = good. Thinking I can make myself better = bad. In this age of be who you want to be, pull yourself up by your own boot straps, we have been sold the lie that the power to be the "best we can be" is somewhere inside of us if we only use it. But Paul knows that the only thing inside us the desire to do good and the sin nature that keeps us from doing it. I hope you realize how freeing this is! This is not a gloom and doom message about how messed up we are and how hopeless our situation is. It's a wonderful redeeming message about how messed up we are and how it doesn't matter, if we let God use us despite our weakness. He has the power to make us exactly what He wants us to be. Exactly what He needs us to be so that He can bring about the work He's called us to.

For me, that means abiding in Him and learning to hear his voice so that I can be the Wife, Mother, and homemaker that He has called me to be. He brought me here to this place, to this task, and it would be foolish of me to assume that it is now my responsibility to make it all happen. My responsibility is to be here, and to be willing. Willing to answer when He calls, to do the hard things, and to get back up when I inevitably stumble. That is some serious grace, and I don't know about you, but I need to swim in that today.

Thanks be to God, who delivers me though Jesus Christ our Lord!

 

You owe me a pop

This is what precious looks like...when it's napping in your arms.

If you've been following this blog for any amount of time, you've probably noticed that parenting has been a catch and release battle over here. I get on a routine/method/thiswayisgoingtowork high and then when lifegetsbusy/Babywon'ttaketoit/itdoesn'twork I crash a little. Don't get me wrong, being a Momma in general has been incredible! I love each and every {though perhaps not every minute of the} day! But I have had to let go of some of my preferences for the sake of baby's greater good i.e. trying to force him into routines that he wasn't ready for.

So, after just over six months, I felt like we were ready for some change. I found myself, both of us really, just floating around during the day, holding him during all of his naps, and just basically not feeling...steady...or purposeful. {It should be noted here that I am aware that this is the preferred method of absolutely awesome people, and in no way am I trying to suggest that routine is for everybody - just definitely for us. I knew you'd understand} Since he's a big(ger) boy now, I finally got my wish and implemented a little structure into our day. Because, besides the fact that I'm a person who craves order, I felt it was really good for him too. To have a general peace in his little baby mind that he will eat again, he will sleep again, there's no need to get out of control because he knows {in a very primitive baby way} that his needs will be met right around the same time everyday. Plus, with him napping like a big boy in his crib, I can get more of my work done while he sleeps, leaving me more undivided attention for him while he is awake.

And guess what - it worked like {almost} clockwork! For a grand total of 3 days. On that third day, in a conversation with a {completely wonderful} friend of mine, I made that stereotypical mistake of celebrating this little victory. Then, when the next day, Baby woke up at a different time of the morning, didn't nap as long as usual, needed to be held to nap at all in the afternoon, there was a tempting little, nasty thought in the back of my mind. I jinxed it.

And then the Truth smacked me and my little superstitious self right in the face. Really? You now have some kind of cosmic power to alter reality? You, a little human being, have charted the course of this day simply by sharing, and being excited about, your story? Riiiight.

And then it just snowballed. Because I realized that not only did I have no part in the day that didn't go as planned - I had very little to do with the days that did! True, I charted and upheld and trained and basically did my part, but it was only by the grace of God, blessing those efforts, that anything came of them at all. Silly Lucy.

There are no such things as jinxes. There are simply days that don't go in the same nice order that all the other days do. There are stuffy noses and new teeth, and sometimes there are days when a fella just needs to be cuddled by his Momma. And you know what, it was basically awesome, in it's own snugly way.

So this morning, I challenge us all to free ourselves from "worldly wisdom," and rest in the amazing sovereignty of our Sweet Lord. Isn't he amazing?!? Whew, so incredibly glad for {yet another} reminder that I am not in control. Maybe I'll get it...someday.

Control Freak

After almost 24 years, I think I am coming to terms with having a Type A personality. I never really would have admitted that growing up. I mean, I tend to be non-confrontational, I'd rather follow than lead, and if someone has to give up their way to make the group happy, I'm your gal (which, before you get the idea that I'm bragging about this, it comes with it's bag of flaws I can assure you). But then there's the fact that if the counter between our kitchen and living area gets a little cluttered, I feel like the whole house is messy. I arrange my groceries on the conveyor belt into groupings at the check out stand and get a little miffed when the cashier totally disregards my system. I adore all things list, routine, and organization. And I always (and I mean always) have to put my sugar in my coffee before my cream. I know, I'm an underground control freak.

So, imagine my surprise when this translated to my recent excursion in parenting. Shocking, I know. I made what I have found to be a common mistake and I read, and read, read, and researched, and read, and researched some more. Routines, "Attachment Parenting," "Eat-Sleep-Play," "co-sleeping," "Combination Parenting," "self-soothing," "cry it out," bad habits, good habits, you name it - the list goes on and on. And after three months, with a little help from the wiser Mommas around me, I seem to have deprogrammed myself a bit. Things happen in the Vacuum in Pearls household at a much more peaceful pace, thank goodness! But there's always something lurking on the horizon.

Last week I was putting B in his car seat, picking him up from the nursery at church and an older baby walked over and dropped a toy (a not-soft toy!) in B's face before even my reflexes had time to react. It happened in a split second. B was, obviously, upset (as was his Papa Bear Daddy) but there was no physical damage done - not even a mark. But I was devastated. I just couldn't get over the fact that I "let" it happen. "I was right there! What could I have done differently? Maybe if I had just....? I'm supposed to protect him!" I'm guessing if you're a Mom, you know the drill. It appears that, even though I'm recovering from my need to control B's routine, I've only just begun my journey in giving up the need to control his safety, his welfare, and his happiness.

Please, don't mistake me! As Mothers it IS our duty to keep our children safe, to do our utmost to protect them, to keep bad things away. But we can't be there every second. And, apparently, even when we are there, we cannot control every scenario. Sometimes kids will walk up behind you while you're strapping your sweet, precious baby into his seat, and they will accidentally hurt your child. And it isn't even remotely your fault. It's no body's fault. It's the way the world works. B has his very first infection this week. And there's nothing I can do about the fact that my child got sick. I can cuddle him when he's restless, give him his medicine, and clean out his little nose to make him feel better, but I cannot control his upper respiratory system. You know what I mean?

Here's the good news: God is in control. The world is not some random room of toddlers waiting to throw stuff on my kid. It is a place set in motion and kept by a loving, powerful Creator. Does that mean bad stuff won't happen? No. But it does mean that there is Someone who knows all about it, and will be there when it does.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast {whose thoughts are fixed on You} because they trust in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord Himself, is the Rock Eternal." Isaiah 26:3-4 NIV {NLT}

So, as I rinse B's pacifier off for the umpteenth time today and frantically wonder what kind of germs and particles it could have come in contact with, and whether I should I sterilize it - again, I will take a breath, fix my thoughts on the Rock Eternal, and remember that I cannot control the micro-sphere.

Linking up with this Lovely Lady today

Lesson Learned, Life Enjoyed

Fathers Day Feast

Good morning Friends! It's almost 11am on a Monday morning, and I'm just beginning to start my day. Don't get me wrong, as the mother of a three-month-old, I've been up for hours (and hours, and hours) but those hours didn't seem to be filled with the things I originally planned. No dishes were put away, no countertops wiped down, no floors vacuumed, no workout done, no junk from the weekend put back where it goes. I did manage to choke down some leftovers and there is a load of B's laundry singing in the dryer, but on a whole the morning could seem like a disappointment.

  

Until I think about what I have been up to. I've been holding, feeding, singing to, and soothing a slightly-crankier-than-usual-because-he's-sick B. I've been accidentally dozing off for some much needed rest after a nightly feeding that turned into a diaper changing, bed re-making incident thanks to a wet diaper that went rouge. And I've been sneaking in some much needed Bible study.

I think like a lot of Proverbs 31 Woman Wannabes (well, at least I hope I'm not the only one), I don't give myself very much grace. I even tend to equate my value as a wife, and maybe even as a woman of God, by the things I can get done, by how clean my house is, by how put together I am. Especially now that I have the awesome privilege of staying home full time, I put even more pressure on myself because I need to be "pulling my weight." Wow, sounds pretty silly when I type it all out like that, but nevertheless, there it is. And it's funny, too because God didn't put that pressure on me. H doesn't put that pressure on me. And as long as B is fed several times a day I'm pretty sure he doesn't care how many chores I mark off my to-do list.

You know what's funny about the Proverbs 31 Woman? She's like a house-keeping, home-making machine, but you know what her crowning achievement is? Her fear of the Lord. See, no one can DO all that by themselves. Mere mortals can only accomplish so much in a day and keep their relationships, not to mention their sanity, stable. It's God who gave me this incredible task of caring for my family and keeping my home, and it's His job to help me tie up the lose ends. If things go undone, then they were meant to go undone. If the dishes sit in the sink for 24 hours, the world will not come crumbling to an end.

Now, I'm not talking about sitting on the couch, eating potato chips, and watching CSI reruns all day. I'm talking about priorities, about reveling in every little moment I get to spend with my baby, about not being exhausted when my Husband gets home, and about doing my very best to get the rest done, and giving myself grace when I can't. Can I get an "Amen" from the other exhausted, perfectionist housewives? Thank you.

You know what? My life basically rocks. I didn't do any housework all weekend except for a few dishes, but you know what I did do? H and I took B to his very first baseball game. We watched movies in our pajamas. We got our Red Robin on with my Family for Fathers Day. H took me to Baskin Robins for my first scoop of Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream in about 7 years (Thank you BOGO coupon!). We kissed, and cuddled B and enjoyed all his new 3-month-old tricks. I enjoyed my first Sunday back on the worship team since B's arrival. We traipsed all over town looking for a Mexican grocery store so I could get some Apple Soda (more on this in a later post). I made H his favorite dinner (which is fried salmon patties, cornbread, and veggies, in case you were wondering) for his very first Fathers Day. And you know how many times I wished my dining room table was cleared off? Exactly zero. Case in point.

I'm pretty sure it's not just me out on this ledge, and if you're there with me, I encourage yourself to give yourself a break today. Know what I mean? And for those of you older and wiser than I, what are some of the ways to keep your balance? 

Thanks Friends, enjoy your Monday! I've got me some chubby baby cheeks to nuzzle...

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Today I am thankful for...

Quiet morning cuddles, hot coffee, and five consecutive hours of sleep.