The Lie of Self-Improvement

Hello. My name is Lucy, and I have a flair for the dramatic.

Every couple of {days} weeks, I come to the conclusion that I am not good enough. I am not a good enough Wife. I am not a good enough Mother. I am not a good enough housekeeper. I am not a good enough person. This, of course, comes as a huge blow and sends me into a myriad of prayers and plans, and most importantly - self-improvement. If I am lucky, I manage to scrape out a better existence for a little while before I start the cycle all over again.

It finally occurred to me that, apart from being insane, my plan of attack was just not working, and I think I've figured out why. Because it has been my plan. My self-improvement. My fundamental error is assuming that there is anything I can do in my own power to make myself a "better person."

It is comforting to know I am not alone in this struggle. The Apostle Paul apparently felt the same way,

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do....

For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have a desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is the sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to {sin and} death?

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"      Romans 7:15-25a

Okay, so it's quite a mouthful, but I love this so human moment that Paul shares with us. He's practically frantic! What I want to do I don't do but what I don't want to do I keep on doing! I know the feeling Paul.

But Paul is a step ahead, because he's got the answer. Who will save me? Jesus. Paul knows what I seem to be learning rather slowly, that he is incapable of doing the good he wants to do, in and of himself. Only Jesus can do that good through him.

See, wanting to be better = good. Thinking I can make myself better = bad. In this age of be who you want to be, pull yourself up by your own boot straps, we have been sold the lie that the power to be the "best we can be" is somewhere inside of us if we only use it. But Paul knows that the only thing inside us the desire to do good and the sin nature that keeps us from doing it. I hope you realize how freeing this is! This is not a gloom and doom message about how messed up we are and how hopeless our situation is. It's a wonderful redeeming message about how messed up we are and how it doesn't matter, if we let God use us despite our weakness. He has the power to make us exactly what He wants us to be. Exactly what He needs us to be so that He can bring about the work He's called us to.

For me, that means abiding in Him and learning to hear his voice so that I can be the Wife, Mother, and homemaker that He has called me to be. He brought me here to this place, to this task, and it would be foolish of me to assume that it is now my responsibility to make it all happen. My responsibility is to be here, and to be willing. Willing to answer when He calls, to do the hard things, and to get back up when I inevitably stumble. That is some serious grace, and I don't know about you, but I need to swim in that today.

Thanks be to God, who delivers me though Jesus Christ our Lord!

 

Romance: Learning to Pay Attention

Confession: I'm a bit of  hopeless romantic, and I grew up fostering a lot of notions and expectations of what married life would be like. Candlelight, daily sweeping off of the feet, ooo lala, etc. And you know what, my fairy tale has not been a disappointment, there's scads of romance there. It's just maybe disguised in a way I didn't really expect before when I spent all that time daydreaming. See, it feels like there are a lot of resources out right now that are supposed to help you figure out how to love your spouse well. These resources are great, and it's incredibly important to cultivate an attitude of loving your spouse well, but there is an element to properly loving and appreciating our husbands that I believe has been underrated. We {I} need to learn to see. Because I don't know about you, but sometimes while I'm over here waiting for sparks to fly the way I think they should, my Husband is pouring love on me, and it's going unnoticed. There's lots of time and places for all the "sweeping" and such {oh boy, are there times and places. Too much information?} but you know what's really sexy?

Working long and hard so that you and baby can stay home.

Going to Walmart to pick up Sunday lunch, and coming home with a brand new shower curtain liner because the one you have is all moldy and disgusts you to no end, and you may have mentioned it...once or twice.

Loading the dishwasher while you're putting the little squirt to bed.

Bringing home leftover Krispy Kremes from work. {I mean, hello?}

Repairing the toilet for the upteenth time so that it will flush properly.

When he says the supper you spent the whole evening preparing was good. And the times he eats it even when it's not really.

When you decide not to bring a change of clothes for the baby while you run Saturday errands, only the baby decides to pee all over everything and you have to go all the waaaaaay back home to get him redressed before going all the waaaay back out, and he {your husband} holds his tongue about your amazing stupidity.

Not that that last thing actually happened...

You see what I'm saying? I'm saying that it's totally important to learn how to love our husbands in a way they will understand, and for them to do the same for us, but in the meantime I want to pay attention to all the ways he's already loving me. God gave me this amazing man who really does love me, a lot, if I just appreciate his methods. I want to see.

 

That moment when...

You were going to write a post about something kind of funny that happened to you at the grocery store, and you were pretty certain it was going to be witty if not hilarious, but you were absolutely certain that it was going to be at someone else's expense, so as you're writing in your head God directly speaks to you and gently reminds you that that sort of post is not glorifying to Him, and you know He's right {obviously}...so you do the right thing and let the potentially funny post go, and it's kind of a bummer because most of the time doing the right thing is kind of a bummer...and then you reflect on the fact that GOD just spoke.to.you...and you decide that's pretty freakin' awesome.



You owe me a pop

This is what precious looks like...when it's napping in your arms.

If you've been following this blog for any amount of time, you've probably noticed that parenting has been a catch and release battle over here. I get on a routine/method/thiswayisgoingtowork high and then when lifegetsbusy/Babywon'ttaketoit/itdoesn'twork I crash a little. Don't get me wrong, being a Momma in general has been incredible! I love each and every {though perhaps not every minute of the} day! But I have had to let go of some of my preferences for the sake of baby's greater good i.e. trying to force him into routines that he wasn't ready for.

So, after just over six months, I felt like we were ready for some change. I found myself, both of us really, just floating around during the day, holding him during all of his naps, and just basically not feeling...steady...or purposeful. {It should be noted here that I am aware that this is the preferred method of absolutely awesome people, and in no way am I trying to suggest that routine is for everybody - just definitely for us. I knew you'd understand} Since he's a big(ger) boy now, I finally got my wish and implemented a little structure into our day. Because, besides the fact that I'm a person who craves order, I felt it was really good for him too. To have a general peace in his little baby mind that he will eat again, he will sleep again, there's no need to get out of control because he knows {in a very primitive baby way} that his needs will be met right around the same time everyday. Plus, with him napping like a big boy in his crib, I can get more of my work done while he sleeps, leaving me more undivided attention for him while he is awake.

And guess what - it worked like {almost} clockwork! For a grand total of 3 days. On that third day, in a conversation with a {completely wonderful} friend of mine, I made that stereotypical mistake of celebrating this little victory. Then, when the next day, Baby woke up at a different time of the morning, didn't nap as long as usual, needed to be held to nap at all in the afternoon, there was a tempting little, nasty thought in the back of my mind. I jinxed it.

And then the Truth smacked me and my little superstitious self right in the face. Really? You now have some kind of cosmic power to alter reality? You, a little human being, have charted the course of this day simply by sharing, and being excited about, your story? Riiiight.

And then it just snowballed. Because I realized that not only did I have no part in the day that didn't go as planned - I had very little to do with the days that did! True, I charted and upheld and trained and basically did my part, but it was only by the grace of God, blessing those efforts, that anything came of them at all. Silly Lucy.

There are no such things as jinxes. There are simply days that don't go in the same nice order that all the other days do. There are stuffy noses and new teeth, and sometimes there are days when a fella just needs to be cuddled by his Momma. And you know what, it was basically awesome, in it's own snugly way.

So this morning, I challenge us all to free ourselves from "worldly wisdom," and rest in the amazing sovereignty of our Sweet Lord. Isn't he amazing?!? Whew, so incredibly glad for {yet another} reminder that I am not in control. Maybe I'll get it...someday.

Autumn Cleaning?

The "Goodbye, have a nice life!" Pile

I don't know if it's just a case of "great minds" or what, but I seem to be stumbling on a lot of lovely lady bloggers who are currently along journeys to simplify their lives. Whether that means getting rid of excess clothing, letting go of overcomplications in their lives, or even pressure to blog, many of us seem to be "cleansing" right now. I know I am. Maybe it's the change of seasons?

Out of apparently nowhere, I went on a bit of a tangent around my house. We'll call it "The Great Purge." Don't get me wrong, I've gotten rid of things before, and I even occasionally purged, but there always seemed to be some kind of invisible line that said, "This far you may go, but no further!" which robbed me of real, dramatic freedom from my things. I introduced myself to the line, its name is "Good." It also goes by, "But I miiiight use it someday!"

See, the truth is, it's not that I have too much stuff in a general or realative sense. In fact, when I told my sister I was getting rid of stuff, she said she was actually surprised I had enough stuff to get rid of anything, ha. It's true, I'm still a bit of a newlywed, and H and I are still collecting the things that fill a home. But I guess what I realized is that I've allowed things to come into our home to fill those spaces just to fill those spaces, instead of because I actually love them! And, before we get all worked up about "loving stuff," the love I'm talking about is {obviously?} not the same "love" I hold for God, or my husband, or my baby, etc,etc. I'm just talking about an enjoyment. A happiness in looking around your home and being satisfied with the things you see. Make sense so far?

Anyway, when I looked around I saw a lot of "good" and "but I might use it eventually" that was crowding out the "love" and "I actually use right now." Most of it was stuff I just had to have at the time or things I thought I loved. It's actually a little shameful how many things I decided to part with that I actually registered for and received as wedding gifts. Sheesh. I also seem to be "collecting" furniture. And when I say furniture, I really just mean castoff things that "have character" i.e. things that have lived thier lives and probably deserve to retire. And, there are a few things with true potential, too. The thing is, I'm finding I have a "someday" problem. "Someday when we're in a bigger house, I'll need it" seems to be my mental refrain these days, and that's just not fair. Sure, we plan on ending up someplace else. But right now, we live here. So unless I want H to turn me into "Hoarders" and end up on television, I need to learn to let go and live in the house that I actually live in.....and maybe he'll reward me by buying me a quirky, overstuffed office chair when we do move to our someday house, haha.

So, all this is to say that come this Saturday, I am having my first ever very own yard sale! I've participated before, but never had one in my very own yard, so I'm very excited! It seems like the perfect end to a journey of comfy minimalism and self discovery.Okay, maybe not the end....maybe just a pit stop.

 

A Penny Saved, A Penny Earned

 What Operation: Grocery Plan looks like

Before Baby B arrived, I was working part-time as a Nanny and spending the rest of my time keeping house. One of my major duties is the grocery shopping, although let's just be upfront about this: I kind of love grocery shopping. It's a little sick. When I was first home from the hospital and my amazing husband was doing the shopping for us (and doing a terrific job, I might add) I might have missed it a teeny bit.....

I like to think that Husband and I are pretty fiscally responsible, due mostly to the wisdom and experience of the former, the organizational skills of the later, and a little Ramsey thrown in the mix to keep things interesting. So when I first clapped ears on the idea of couponing, menu planning, and the like, it sounded like the perfect fit. I gave it a whirl, and I got a little good at it - for a couple weeks. About the time I would get a good stock of coupons built up, I would lapse for a bit, and by the time I would pick it back up, they would all be expired and I would have to start all over again. Hello, revolving door of coupon mediocrity!

All the couponers I knew were from church or the Internet, and I remember thinking, "Well, they stay at home all day, so they have more time than I do and when I am a stay-at-home Mom, I'll have time to get better too." Ha! Go ahead, judge away, I so totally deserve it.
So here we are three months later, with me totally and completely thrilled to be staying home with my baby, but honestly missing the luxury of a few extra bucks in my pocket. I see all these inspiring bloggy moms who work from home, so I took a quick inventory of my marketable, stay-at-home skills. I taught piano lessons before Baby B came along, and I hope to do so again, but waiting for a baby to develop a routine is like waiting for water to boil. I don't make jewelry, paint, or "craft" (in the professional sense), and my sewing experience is limited to a middle school Home Ec class and a little inherited skill from my Mom. It would be great to make money with this blog someday - but today I have exactly 4 followers (Love y'all, by the way!) and 17 posts. There it is.

And then it hit me. Saving money! Saving money is a marketable skill. If I could shave a few bucks out of my grocery budget each week, that's at least a coffee with girlfriends or thirifting with my sisters, or saving up so Husband doesn't end up buying his own birthday present. Not to mention, the opportunity to live more generously.

My Coupon Center. It may not look like much, but I am a proud Mama.

So here is the mission: Shop sales, use coupons, and waste less. The rules:

1. I will not - okay - I will try to be obsess. This will not be one of the things I beat myself up about. This is just an exercise in good good stewardship and will be treated as such.
2. I will be respectful of cashiers and other shoppers.
3. I will not buy stuff we don't use, like a year supply of food for the dog we don't have (I'm looking at you TLC "Extreme Couponers") unless we can donate it.

So, there it is. Wish me luck!

What are some of the ways your family saves money? Any creative leftover ideas? As always, I love to hear from you!

Control Freak

After almost 24 years, I think I am coming to terms with having a Type A personality. I never really would have admitted that growing up. I mean, I tend to be non-confrontational, I'd rather follow than lead, and if someone has to give up their way to make the group happy, I'm your gal (which, before you get the idea that I'm bragging about this, it comes with it's bag of flaws I can assure you). But then there's the fact that if the counter between our kitchen and living area gets a little cluttered, I feel like the whole house is messy. I arrange my groceries on the conveyor belt into groupings at the check out stand and get a little miffed when the cashier totally disregards my system. I adore all things list, routine, and organization. And I always (and I mean always) have to put my sugar in my coffee before my cream. I know, I'm an underground control freak.

So, imagine my surprise when this translated to my recent excursion in parenting. Shocking, I know. I made what I have found to be a common mistake and I read, and read, read, and researched, and read, and researched some more. Routines, "Attachment Parenting," "Eat-Sleep-Play," "co-sleeping," "Combination Parenting," "self-soothing," "cry it out," bad habits, good habits, you name it - the list goes on and on. And after three months, with a little help from the wiser Mommas around me, I seem to have deprogrammed myself a bit. Things happen in the Vacuum in Pearls household at a much more peaceful pace, thank goodness! But there's always something lurking on the horizon.

Last week I was putting B in his car seat, picking him up from the nursery at church and an older baby walked over and dropped a toy (a not-soft toy!) in B's face before even my reflexes had time to react. It happened in a split second. B was, obviously, upset (as was his Papa Bear Daddy) but there was no physical damage done - not even a mark. But I was devastated. I just couldn't get over the fact that I "let" it happen. "I was right there! What could I have done differently? Maybe if I had just....? I'm supposed to protect him!" I'm guessing if you're a Mom, you know the drill. It appears that, even though I'm recovering from my need to control B's routine, I've only just begun my journey in giving up the need to control his safety, his welfare, and his happiness.

Please, don't mistake me! As Mothers it IS our duty to keep our children safe, to do our utmost to protect them, to keep bad things away. But we can't be there every second. And, apparently, even when we are there, we cannot control every scenario. Sometimes kids will walk up behind you while you're strapping your sweet, precious baby into his seat, and they will accidentally hurt your child. And it isn't even remotely your fault. It's no body's fault. It's the way the world works. B has his very first infection this week. And there's nothing I can do about the fact that my child got sick. I can cuddle him when he's restless, give him his medicine, and clean out his little nose to make him feel better, but I cannot control his upper respiratory system. You know what I mean?

Here's the good news: God is in control. The world is not some random room of toddlers waiting to throw stuff on my kid. It is a place set in motion and kept by a loving, powerful Creator. Does that mean bad stuff won't happen? No. But it does mean that there is Someone who knows all about it, and will be there when it does.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast {whose thoughts are fixed on You} because they trust in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord Himself, is the Rock Eternal." Isaiah 26:3-4 NIV {NLT}

So, as I rinse B's pacifier off for the umpteenth time today and frantically wonder what kind of germs and particles it could have come in contact with, and whether I should I sterilize it - again, I will take a breath, fix my thoughts on the Rock Eternal, and remember that I cannot control the micro-sphere.

Linking up with this Lovely Lady today

Lesson Learned, Life Enjoyed

Fathers Day Feast

Good morning Friends! It's almost 11am on a Monday morning, and I'm just beginning to start my day. Don't get me wrong, as the mother of a three-month-old, I've been up for hours (and hours, and hours) but those hours didn't seem to be filled with the things I originally planned. No dishes were put away, no countertops wiped down, no floors vacuumed, no workout done, no junk from the weekend put back where it goes. I did manage to choke down some leftovers and there is a load of B's laundry singing in the dryer, but on a whole the morning could seem like a disappointment.

  

Until I think about what I have been up to. I've been holding, feeding, singing to, and soothing a slightly-crankier-than-usual-because-he's-sick B. I've been accidentally dozing off for some much needed rest after a nightly feeding that turned into a diaper changing, bed re-making incident thanks to a wet diaper that went rouge. And I've been sneaking in some much needed Bible study.

I think like a lot of Proverbs 31 Woman Wannabes (well, at least I hope I'm not the only one), I don't give myself very much grace. I even tend to equate my value as a wife, and maybe even as a woman of God, by the things I can get done, by how clean my house is, by how put together I am. Especially now that I have the awesome privilege of staying home full time, I put even more pressure on myself because I need to be "pulling my weight." Wow, sounds pretty silly when I type it all out like that, but nevertheless, there it is. And it's funny, too because God didn't put that pressure on me. H doesn't put that pressure on me. And as long as B is fed several times a day I'm pretty sure he doesn't care how many chores I mark off my to-do list.

You know what's funny about the Proverbs 31 Woman? She's like a house-keeping, home-making machine, but you know what her crowning achievement is? Her fear of the Lord. See, no one can DO all that by themselves. Mere mortals can only accomplish so much in a day and keep their relationships, not to mention their sanity, stable. It's God who gave me this incredible task of caring for my family and keeping my home, and it's His job to help me tie up the lose ends. If things go undone, then they were meant to go undone. If the dishes sit in the sink for 24 hours, the world will not come crumbling to an end.

Now, I'm not talking about sitting on the couch, eating potato chips, and watching CSI reruns all day. I'm talking about priorities, about reveling in every little moment I get to spend with my baby, about not being exhausted when my Husband gets home, and about doing my very best to get the rest done, and giving myself grace when I can't. Can I get an "Amen" from the other exhausted, perfectionist housewives? Thank you.

You know what? My life basically rocks. I didn't do any housework all weekend except for a few dishes, but you know what I did do? H and I took B to his very first baseball game. We watched movies in our pajamas. We got our Red Robin on with my Family for Fathers Day. H took me to Baskin Robins for my first scoop of Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream in about 7 years (Thank you BOGO coupon!). We kissed, and cuddled B and enjoyed all his new 3-month-old tricks. I enjoyed my first Sunday back on the worship team since B's arrival. We traipsed all over town looking for a Mexican grocery store so I could get some Apple Soda (more on this in a later post). I made H his favorite dinner (which is fried salmon patties, cornbread, and veggies, in case you were wondering) for his very first Fathers Day. And you know how many times I wished my dining room table was cleared off? Exactly zero. Case in point.

I'm pretty sure it's not just me out on this ledge, and if you're there with me, I encourage yourself to give yourself a break today. Know what I mean? And for those of you older and wiser than I, what are some of the ways to keep your balance? 

Thanks Friends, enjoy your Monday! I've got me some chubby baby cheeks to nuzzle...

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What it's About

I have to admit that, while I haven't been posting much lately, you can pretty much guarantee that I'm getting my daily blog fix. There are about half a dozen blogs that I follow with a vengeance, and they're almost always great, but recently I've read a few posts that have shot through the screen, directly to my heart. They have moved me, encouraged me, and inspired me to act, either spiritually or in my home life. I think people outside the blogging community can underestimate the significance of what a good, godly blogger can do. I know that I myself have struggled with my purpose as a blogger, and have even resisted posting because I'm still unsure of why I'm here.

I know what you're thinking, "Enough with the hyperactive self-awareness lady! Stop being so melodramatic and post already!" I agree. Just one more. Those ladies who have spoken truth into me made me realize what I want. Why I'm here. They didn't preach or sermonize. It wasn't anything complicated or wordy. They just spoke about their kids, were honest about their struggles, or shared a little practical advice. I want to be that for someone else. Good, God-centered blogging should be about lifting each other up, pushing each other forward, and even meeting someone where they are so that they walk away saying"Hey, I'm not he only one!" Even just sharing life with them, building community. It's all valid, and important. Do I ave scripture to back it up? Not this second. But I know that God has been speaking to me through you and I so hope He'll do the same through me. Sure, it might be as simple as a recipe or a revelation on motherhood, but those things are good and someone needs to hear them. Know what I mean?

So, I'm back. Sure, I've got an infant an enjoy, which poses some time constraints, but I'll be around. I'm so excited about being a part of a community of friends like you. Thanks for listening :)

Linking up with this lovely lady!

Home

I have a confession to make. I love my house. It's nothing fancy or large, and lately it is most certainly not as clean as it could be. But it's mine. Ours. It has pink kitchen countertops, the carpet is hopelessly stained, and a lot of the furniture is past it's prime. But as I was sitting on the couch the other night, the first piece of furniture H and I purchased together, I looked into the candlelit dining area, complete with my new Ikea tablecloth (Yeah for Mother's Day!) and my heart was so full. I have spent the last three plus years alongside H lovingly crafting this place into somewhere we want to be. An expression of who we both are, seperately and together. A sanctuary. A home. It's been through some transitions and will go through many more - the least of which will be baby-proofing - and I'm still waiting for the day someone gives me a target shopping spree :) But for right now, it's exactly what it ought to be. It's ours.

Linking up with this lovely lady

Concerning Personal Style

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is not a fashion blog. Too bad really, because I love a good fashion blog. I'm kind of a voyeur when it comes to style. I love to look - blogs, pinterest, magazines, it's just the application that's a little elusive. Can I get an amen?

Specifically, the idea of "personal style" is a bit tricky for me. It's been gradually coming to my attention that, assuming I have one, I'm not sure what it is. And let's be clear, I'm not talking about the idea that everyone should fit themselves into a little box labeled "preppy," "boho," "beachy," etc. But rather the self awarness to say "this is what looks good on me, and this is what I like."

My early attempts at personal style included wearing skirts over jeans and other regrettable high school decisions. We've all been there...right? Hopefully, I'm not the only woman who had a rough early millenium? Now that I'm a little older (and wiser?), here's my M.O. maybe you can relate: When I get the opportunity to buy some clothes, I go around the store collecting all this cute stuff and then head to the fitting room to see if it fits. If it does, I bring it home where it sits in my closet because every time I have the chance to wear it I don't because it doesn't seem right. So I end up wearing the same five outfits over, and over, and over....You know what I mean?

I think the solution might have something to do with asking the right questions. Not "Do I like this?" but "Do I like this on me?" Not "Does it fit?" but "Is this something I will wear?" I think I'm starting to understand that just because I like a fad doesn't necessarily mean I need to adopt it. That I can appreciate a super cute sweater, dress, or top without feeling the need to own it. "It's cute and it fits" does not equal "It needs to come home with me." Thus, saving money and closet space on those things that truly speak to me.

Now, it remains for me to figure out what those things are. What do I really want to wear? What actually feels right for me? This is something I've been especially dealing with since having my sweet Baby 6 weeks ago. Not only do certain things just plain not fit but I'm finding that some of the things I used to wear proudly just don't seem to work, in deeper ways, on my new child-bearing self. Here come the Mom Jeans! Juuuuust kidding. No, I'm just suggesting that there may be a different way to embrace this new season in my life, stylistically speaking, than the things that used to work before. Above all, personal style should be just that - personal. It should communicate something about who you are, and who I am has recently undergone some major overhaul. Perhaps the way I pick out clothes should too?

So, it's kind of like a blank slate. Approaching myself, and my closet, with honesty. Being picky about what I choose to own.

So, thoughts? Suggestions? What are some of the ways you've defined your personal style?